The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You made out with two different species that night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
