She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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