he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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