My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
