They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
