Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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