I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
