Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She bit a glass in half.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
