he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
