you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
