tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
