i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
