Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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