No stitches, just platelets and will power
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think your dad took our porno
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
