i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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