Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm passing your future prison.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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