I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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