better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
