Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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