is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
