Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is Oprah even human
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
