having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
