It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize