and you said cock pushups were impossible
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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