dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
