I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
