i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
