i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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