He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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