I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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