I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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