I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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