Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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