I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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