dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
