I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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