omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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