I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just googled if crying burns calories
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
