Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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