My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
