this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
