I'm so fucking centered right now
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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