a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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