Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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