You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
