I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
