I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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