im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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