So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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