I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
