I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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