and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I love you. Go after that dick
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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