How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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