Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
How's work?
Spinning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
