Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
