worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
