I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
