I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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