Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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