i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
