The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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