I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's like iHOP with fire
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
