i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
